She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Operation Purity has been aborted
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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