His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
