How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
