He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
