Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
