oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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