I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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