are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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