i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
only you would photoshop your dick
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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