..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
