I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
