he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize