he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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