my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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