i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
