Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Success! We fucked roommates!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
