a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
