I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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