Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize