at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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