I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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