If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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