I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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