I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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