Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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