I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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