i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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