Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
