it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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