I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
