every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize