After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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