How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
