There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
