im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
