her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
