There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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