I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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