I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
