one two three fourrrrnication!
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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