I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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