Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
