Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
