And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dont even know how to be here
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
