dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
