I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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