You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
