Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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