Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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