remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
