You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
