I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
