saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
