My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
