you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
