I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
