"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
