i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
