I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
