Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
