That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
