mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
