you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
