Tell her she can't have a vagina
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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