She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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