remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
