you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize