i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
