Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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