guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
