I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize